Update

Had a FGS on Saturday: Good news is that follicles are growing, bad news is that "ALL" follicles are growing.

Had three 150IU injections on CD 2, 4 and 6. CD 7 had the FGS. Every single follicle has grown from 0.5 to 1.5 mm: max size is 9 as of now. So, had a chat with our RE and she suggested that we taper down the dosage and take one 150 on that day itself and another 75 IU on CD 9. And the FGS is again tomorrow: CD 11.

So, tomorrow we will know how it goes.

I am not really sure how I am feeling. I am oscillating between wildly hopeful to extremely disappointed. The only good thing is that, despite everything the follicles are growing, just that we have some hiccups with respect to the number.

Let's see...

Here we go again...

At last, after too many prayers and anxiety, AF finally arrived on 31st March. This is the first time after we started this journey of TTC that me and DH both were extremely happy about AF! What an irony!

So, went to my RE on 1st April, and they have put me on 150IU HMG for 3 days + Follic Acid + Ecosprin + APCOD + Metformin 500 mg

APCOD and Ecosprin are completely new to me. Dr.Google told me that APCOD contains Myoinsolitol which is good for egg quality and Ecosprin is "Baby Aspirin" which is improves blood flow toward Uterus.

Well...3 injections are done with today. Will be going for another scan tomorrow so that the RE can check on the developments.

As usual, I am keeping my fingers crossed...

I just don't know what to feel anymore. I am hopeful, of course I am, but I am plagued with doubts and disbelief and the sheer terror that this time also it might not work out and I really don't think I have the capability to take it anymore.

I am just hoping and praying that this will be it!

The irony of what you want!

AF is the most unpredictable and unreasonable in this world!!!

When you don't want or need her, she shows up! When you want her to come so very badly, she doesn't!

It's been 67 days! Bloody, 67 DAYS!!!! And no AF! I have now taken Meprate twice, with some Estradiol, but does she show up? No, no and no!

I want to get on with my life, I am not able to take this standstill, I-dont-know-what-I-am-supposed-to-do-now mode that I am in!

We so badly want to start with the next cycle of IUI. But after the sheer agony of understanding that I am not pregnant on CD42 with a BHCG, we want to proceed forward.

I don't know which is bad...knowing that you are not pregnant or this limbo which you fall in where there is nothing but the stupid waiting for your AF to show up!!!!!!

Me and DH are getting into unnecessary arguments, too much of tears, too much of frustration, too much of...well there is no getting around it, I have to say it again, "AGONY"!

I feel like giving up, I don't think I can take all this any more. I don't think I can stand being not able to do anything until this AF shows up anymore. I can't take another BFN, I can't take any more disappointments...

We are not able to decide on ANYTHING! On my last call with my mother, she asked if we are visiting her this summer...can we make a decision on that? No...after all we never know when all this regimen will start and how it will end...so, what do I tell her? It's such a simple question, right? You should be able to plan for it in your life, but no, I am not able to!

Atleast, this happened with my mother. My team in office wanted to plan for a weekend getaway, was I able to give them a straight answer? NO! Why? Again, the same reason, I never know what might happen on that day! For all I know my IUI might fall on that day!

Oh God! I really don't know how to survive like this! One baby - one beautiful, healthy, precious miracle, that's all I ask!

Do you know those moments when your heart just keeps breaking into tiny million pieces every moment, but you have to go on in life as if everything is rosy and nice? I am going through it right now, after all you cannot explain this to people who don't have problems, they will simply say. try again! As if!!!!!!!!!! And DH is suffering even more. Every week he gets some or the other news about his friends having babies, about to get babies...making another baby...poor him!

I have a friend (like me) who is going through the same thing...I think its high time I called and vent out my frustrations a little...no one like another infertile to actually get you!

I am not even sure if someone's reading this, but if you are...please send some good wishes along my way...and a big serving of patience will help too!

Back in the game...

So, it's official now. Got the blood test done on Saturday, came back with very low HCG level - 0.1 IU

Back to the TTC world. I think every time we hit this spot, we get better at dealing with it. Now, I have gotten some Progesterone tablets to get my AF and then begins the IUI cycle.

Now, my course is very small and narrow and decisive: IUI, if not, then straight to IVF.

I am really, really hoping that this IUI works out, but I am also prepared for the IVF. There is no more point in getting worried about it, I want a baby - by IUI/IVF doesn't matter much now!

All that said, I am still clueless on why I didn't get my AF all by myself if I am not pregnant. After all, this is the directly the first cycle after my Lap. Does it mean that it never worked?

Foolish?

Did a HPT last night - yes, I hear you...what is the point of late night testing..when FMU is the best. It is just that it is CD40, I thought it should be very clear at this point of time. There is no AF...no BFP...ended up getting yet another BFN, but surprisingly taking it well. And that is exactly what is scaring me.

I think I am at that point of time in this cycle where I have convinced myself that I am pregnant and just that the HPT is not picking it up. I am contemplating about going to the Doctor this Saturday for a blood test. I think that I should know the deal, whatever it is! I talked to my mother about all this and she told me that she knew that she was pregnant only when she was about 6 weeks along since her cycles in general were about 36 days long. And I used to have 35-36 days cycles before all this PCOS debacle. So, I am now fantasizing that I would know around CD50...

I know I am being foolish, so I am really pushing myself to go to my RE by this Saturday and hope, hope, hope and pray that everything works out well this time!

Waiting...waiting and waiting...

Still no AF. Still lots of CM, and since yesterday having this feeling that I am having AF and I run to the bathroom and check and its nothing. No boob-symptoms :-P But, "I" feel as if that I have some spidery veins going around and of course I have extremely dry and itchy breasts. This "spidery" thing though, I want my DH to say it. So, he is coming back today from his trip (Oh, thank God!) and I don't want to tip him and want him to say it himself. Let's see...

Am I pregnant? BFN two days back, but still no AF and I mean, its been 38 days, it is CD39 today. Don't know what to think. I do know that DH is extremely hopeful this time. I haven't told him about the BFNs.

And, oh yes, before I forget: That friend of mine who is 22 weeks along and having that complications, its all fine now. It was a false alarm, no worries! The deposit is very less and kidney enlargement is nothing to worry about...so its all good.

Now, I am just worried about me...and if I do get my AF soon, I really don't know how I will cope with it! We are thinking of going to my RE this Friday, so that we can do a blood test and be done with it!

Anxious...

DPO22 (CD37) and still no AF. Should I start rejoicing? Apparently not - BFN again in the HPT.

What is happening, seriously! Either AF has to be here already, or wonder of wonders, I should be pregnant - neither seem to be happening, though!

In midst of all these, one of my friends in Office didn't turn up for work today. She is around 22 weeks along and had her Anamoly ultrasound scheduled recently and they found some complications with the baby! :-( Some Calcium deposit in the heart and left kidney seems to be slightly enlarged...and she is out of her mind with worry. Her Gyn has asked her to get another opinion from another Doctor. Now, we are all hoping and praying that nothing untoward happens and she gets back fine with her baby.

Cliched though it might sound, life is such a roller coaster ride! There is just no warning before you go up or down!

Feeling down...

Is there anyway that you can stop yourself from going crazy during your 2WW? I am right now, over the edge!

Did a HPT last night - DPO16 and this morning - DPO17: BFN

And totally down because of it!

DH is away this week and I didn't tell him that I have tested (didn't want to upset him as well) and was just bawling a little about how negative I am feeling...

Dr.Google suggests that BFN on DPO17 is not a very positive sign (ha, ha!)

So...why isn't AF here, already? Now, I am going crazy with, "may be I am pregnant, but not enough HCG for the kit to pick it up", "kit is faulty (yeah, right!)" and what not!

Now, I am going to leave it until  DPO21 and then may be test. Hmm, let me see if I can hold up until then!

Going crazy

What does 2WW do to you? Drive you crazy, that's what!

Of course, it is not without its share of symptoms (when is it ever?)

Having irrational amount of CM, flashes of head aches, permanent lower back ache in the evenings and dead tired, no, I am not kidding. I sleep 9 to 10 hours and still feel sleepy the whole day! Until the day before yesterday, I was not hungry at all, and suddenly from yesterday, I have been consuming way too much food.

Too much of Googling keeps giving me hopes...its 16DPO today - assuming that I did ovulate on 3rd Feb like I assumed I did, because of the Ovulation bleeding.

Keeping my fingers cross!

Uhmm...Ovulation?!?!

Ok, so we are trying naturally this time. And like one idiot, I had to go ahead and actually purchase one of those Ovulation test kits. And then on 1st Feb, I actually tried to test: it was the 13th day of the cycle and well I figured I can test anyway. It came back as negative - huge disappointment and we decided not to test anymore. "Let's just try!" became the motto.

On Sunday, there I am about to take a shower, and I see that I am bleeding! Got the shock of my life! Can a cycle last only for 15 days was the first question that came to my mind. With too much terror I Googled and wow, will you believe it, apparently you can have bleeding when you ovulate or about to ovulate around the mid of the cycle - between 12th to 16th day!

Taking this as a good sign and trusting that I have ovulated (without pills, wow!!!) we are proceeding with way too much hope this cycle.

Of course, I do understand that just because you ovulate you wont get pregnant...who am I kidding?!!! I am having way too much hope this time! Oh God, just please, please, please, let it work out this time!!!!!

Trying the normal way...

Okay, so I never thought I would hear my RE say this.

After the HPT disaster, I was on the Progesterone pills, and finally got my AF also. I went to my RE for the regular 2nd day follow up and the first thing he tells me is that my Endo is too thick. Admittedly I did not have any bleeding, but was having immense tissue discharge, naturally I assumed it is the AF. But he still made me do a BHCG to confirm if there is no Ectopic pregnancy.

Somehow I was pretty sure this time that it cannot be anything other than negative and it was, thank god! By the time the results came, my bleeding also was in full flow. Then he told me that since this is the immediate cycle after my Laproscopic we can try naturally!

He said we could see if ovulation can occur naturally this time.

So, here I am...

We are waiting to see what happens this time.

I purchased 2 Ovulation kits to see if I do ovulate. Ovulation kits are not that useful for PCOS women, since you never know when or even if ovulation will occur at all. So, I got 2, just to keep on checking it.

So...let's see...keeping my fingers cross!

That lone line...

In the world of IF, HPTs is yet another sad area. To take it and see that single, lonely line in your Pregnancy Test is nothing but a route towards heart ache and pain.

And today, I had to go through it.

Okay, I will admit it: I was being over-enthusiastic, way too much hopeful in thinking that just because for the first time in this world of IF, after taking Progesterone I didn't get my AF for about 12 days I might be pregnant. I mean, what was I thinking?!

But really, I undergo Ovarian drilling, have some bleeding after it and then nothing...nada...zero...absolutely no periods whatsoever, its been 38 days. I started to imagine too much...every little movement in my lower body, I could feel it.

I was shit scared of taking UPT. Me and UPTs don't get along. They are totally not for me! No!

So, after 7 days of deliberating (I usually get my AF on 5th day after Progesterone tablets), and reading too much into normal everyday happenings in my body, I decided to brave my RE to day. So, went there and what does he ask me first: Did you take a UPT?

Then I had to take it! And of course it was negative, I mean, I underwent IUI twice with "perfect conditions" and still couldn't conceive, how I convinced myself that I could have become pregnant naturally is beyond me!

Life with IF is way too much to handle, there is this infinite hope that always leaves you hanging with "what-ifs" and there is always reality to bite your ass and wake you up!

Sigh...

So, here I am loaded with 10 Meprate tablets in my list to get my AF and then of course, there is always the next IUI to go through!

AF...where are you?

AF is always cruel...when you don't want it to come after your IUI, it would...when you want it to come after your Laproscopic Ovarian drilling, it doesn't! Really!



After taking Duphaston for about 10 days and not getting my AF in 5 days, I was prematurely overjoyed thinking that this might be it! But that is not to be. Apparently, your AF can be delayed after Ovarian drilling since your Ovary might be recuperating. Found this, after consulting Dr.Google way too much as usual...

Now I have to wait for the AF and then go to my RE, start all over again with my IUI...sigh...

Sometimes, I think we should have a hotline installed directly to a Doctor who would keep answering my insanely inane doubts and questions!