Pondering...

Got my Lap stitches removed and the nurse pronounced it as "healing". So, now I just need keep them clean and away from water and I should be okay.

I have started on my Duphaston tablets for this month, it would end by 2nd Jan and then of course the wait for AF so that I get on with IUI #5 and #6.

It really is a curse when you have days when there is nothing to do, then all I do is wonder about my "what-if's"

I want a backup plan...does that even make sense, is that even possible? If the cycle does not succeed I am going to be heart broken and depressed anyway, I don't think having a back up plan will work. But, I sooooo want one, just to keep myself sane!

When we consulted RE the last time she told us we have to give IUI a try after my Lap, or else we need to move to IVF. As I had told once before, IVF scares me...I want to move to it only when there is nothing else to do...

And to top all my confusions, hubby is extremely depressed...there were some 3 announcements of baby in his office last week: Christmas special I suppose, God that sounds bitchy...but it is so difficult to take it.

I just wanted to rant some...feel less bad about things in life...yeah well!

Journey of IF and Friendships...

IF can give and take away friends from you.

After fighting with IF for almost two years now and almost one and a half years of TTC... I have not exactly lost friends, but it is not exactly "comfortable" with them anymore...

I have this one friend of mine who had a baby very soon after her marriage (huh, what very soon? I should call it exactly the ninth month of her marriage)... and in the past year, she has become pregnant again. And every time I talk to her, it is like, "When are you going to have a baby? You cannot delay such things you know? Apparently these days it is not that easy! (Oh, really? I would never know about this now, would I?) You should try for the earliest!" No, she doesn't know about my IF issues. Most of my friends back from my College days (and she is one such) know that I had issues with my periods. But they do not know the extent of it. And admittedly, I have had the courage to explain my issues to only about two of them. And they don't always "get" it either. It is always treated like a delicate subject. And after some really embarassing conversations, I have dropped it. They are actually very good friends of mine and aside this we get along really well. Somehow I think, only one infertile person can actually get another.

Amongst all my friends who also happened to be my neighbour in my childhood, seems to actually get me, because she too has PCOS and all the associated trappings. Only when we talk, do I really feel that, "here is someone, who actually understands what I say... what I am actually feeling."

I had the same feeling in the past few days after I started my blog, I have gotten that feeling again, when I have been looking into most of the other IF bloggers' posts...successful ones, others like mine - trying one way or the other...

Of course, when I read into some people's blogs, I think, "Oh God...how many days! And how they have held on it! And here I am just one and a half years into it and already feeling depressed!" So, thank you all you, you who have been writing for a long time about your issues, you who have been writing even after your journey has ended successfully, you who have been writing in hope that someone would find it useful...thank you, thank you so much!

Online or in person, there is nothing like your infertile buddies to pick your mood up and fill you up with that wonderful thing called "hope"!

Where I am now...after 2 cycles of IUI

After a single cycle of TI itself, we figured out that TI is not for us. It was too exhausting on an already stressful journey. So, we decided to try IUI.

IUI #1 and #2 - August 2012

After Clomid + Injections, had 2 nice Follicles of 18mm each. Took a shot of HCG 5000 and had my IUI done on 2 days. Both the follicles went on to become CL. It was a very hopeful time... we had 2 follicles, and that was good, was our collective feelings. But no, it was not to be. After another agonising 2WW, got my AF. Another round of crying and heartbreak...

September 2012

Had a Cyst and the cycle was dropped with OCP.

IUI #3 and #4 - October 2012

My RE decided that I shouldn't take anymore Clomid and should take only the HMG injections. This time had only one follicle, but ofcourse there is always hope. So we went ahead. After 2 days of IUI and yet another agonising 2WW, AF again! Actually this time I was much more prepared for the result than my husband. He was so dejected with the whole vicious cycle that it took me a real long time to get him okay.

November 2012: The scariest of all

Out of my once cycle of TI and two cycles of IUI, this cycle proved to be most disheartening of all... I had an ECF on Day 6: Endometrial Cavity Fluid, but my RE went ahead with the Injections saying that the ECF will disappear anyway. It did...but my follicles just refused to respond. I had twice the number of injections than the ones I usually take, but to no avail. It was one of the scariest cycles that I underwent, it was so emotionally stressful and painful that I actually thought about taking a break from TTC.

December 2012 - Now I come to my current situation

Me and my husband had a talk with our RE. She gave us two options: Laproscopy for Ovarian drilling and then another round of IUI or IVF. Somehow, IVF scares me the most. Not because it won't work, but because it is the one thing that I think which will take the complete control out of our hands. And moreover, there is the cost factor to be considered. So, we decided to go ahead with Laproscopy option. On 15th December 2012, I underwent Laproscopy to perform Ovarian drilling. They found a polyp (which has gone for testing, but my RE told me it looked extremely harmless, whatever that is!), another functional Cyst (God, I really hate them, they screw up your cycle when there aren't many to begin with!) and did drilling on both my Ovaries. Was under Gen Anesthesia and it took me about 2 days to get over the drowsy feeling. Now, I am just "recovering", so to speak. My stitches would be removed on Monday - 24th. And in the next cycle we need to get an IUI done.

And here I am waiting to go to my RE on Monday to get my stitches removed and to ask her, "What next?"

TTC...TI...IUI...HMG...HCG...Lap

Disclaimer: I am not a medical person, have no formal medical knowledge what-so-ever. This is just my personal experience...

Infertility Dictionary:
OCP - Oral Contraceptive Pills
HMG - Injections given for Follicular growth
HCG - Trigger injection to rupture a mature follicle to aid egg-release
TI - Timed Intercourse - Finding your ovulation period and having intercourse during that time to get pregnant.
IUI - Intra Uterine Insemination: Similar to TI, except that the male partner gives the Semen sample and the same will be "washed" and inserted into the female partner after 24 hours of her HCG shot.
TTC - Trying To Conceive
2WW - Two Week Waiting period - that agonising 2 weeks after your TI/IUI where you wait to see if you have actually become pregnant. I am probably under-stating it when I say agonising.
Endo - Endometrium
SF - Small Follicles
MSF - Many Small Follicles
Dominant - Dominant Follicle
Lap - Laproscopy: Done either for Ovarian drilling or to deal with Endo problems.
TVS - Trans Vaginal Scan

You will come to know all these and many more, when you deal with infertility. I just mentioned some of the popular ones which would make it easier when you browse on such subjects.

When I was first diagnosed with PCOS, I was 17. Back then, I had no idea that it would impact my life so much.

After 8 months of Oral contraceptives (OCP) in my marriage, we decided to try for a baby. Little did we think that it would involve so much of pain, agony and fear - oh yes, fear!

When my Gyn first told me that I would need to take medication to grow my follicles, I didn't understand the total impact of it. After two useless Doctors (useless I say because, they did not take time explain me what I have in front of me and how "big" it is), I finally found one Gyn who patiently told me what the actual problem was. My PCOS meant that both my Ovaries had too many follicles in them and during a cycle none of them went to the complete maturation stage. I had no dominant follicle at all, which meant no egg production. Because of this, even though my husband's Sperm count is good, I have no natural means of conceiving.

When I finally understood this, that I was heartbroken is one thing. But to actually believe it, my God, trust me it is not easy to know that you are infertile: that you are going to need aid to do what others in the world are doing just like that. I have friends and relatives who have conceived after just a single try. It was incredible to take in, I kept convincing myself that all I needed to do was loose a bit of weight and lo, behold, I will be pregnant.

Please don't get me wrong here. Obesity is the first enemy for PCOS. It is really ironic that PCOS can cause obesity, but if you are obese it will increase your PCOS issues. Any woman with PCOS should aim for reducing her weight, restricting her sugar intake and exercising regularly. It actually helps, no doubt about that! But, I was hallucinating myself in thinking only this is enough. I did do all these and reduced about 10 kgs (around 22 lbs). But it didn't miraculously get me pregnant. What it did do was to improve the impact of my medicines in my body. I am sure its different with every woman.

When I was first given Clomid, it just did not have an impact on my body at all! But, after I reduced by weight (I was 17 kgs over weight. I still need to get down 7 to reach my normal weight range), I could see the difference dramatically in my follicles.

The first time I took Clomid + HMG combination after the weight reduction, I actually had a dominant follicle. Imagine my happiness. And then I was given a HCG trigger after it matured to 18 mm. My Gyn asked me to go for TI. There began the problems! It is so damn frustrating to have intercourse with a child in your head! We were asked to try for 3 days and in all the 3 days, it was a chore, not something that we actually enjoyed, but we did it anyway because we knew that is when we can have a baby. It is such a turn off, let me tell you! Infertility can give you a lot of friends, the only good thing about it: you need a lot of reassurance. :-) I have made so many friends in the Gyn hospital that I go to. And from there, I do know a lot of women personally and from friends of friends who have had successful TI. But, for me personally, it wasn't working. Its not the lack of trying, its the heart of it, I guess. But, we did try and when I went for the scan, the Doctor told me I have a CL: Corpus Luteum, which means that the Follicle has ruptured and the egg has come out. So, all the Sperm needed to do was fertilise the egg and that is all. And we had done it enough times to know there was enough Sperm. I had to take Progesterone for about 15 days.

May be it was the excitement that we are actually trying in a suitable environment or that my body was so new to all these medications, but I had ALL the symptoms of pregnancy - I was nauseous all the time, had severe head ache every morning, extreme back pain, felt dizzy a couple of times...but two days after stopping my Progesterone, when I had bleeding...we were more than heartbroken, I cried for 2 full days constantly. All I did was cry, but it doesn't actually help, does it?

The problem with the creation of child is...there is no known way to do it successfully. It is not a single moment of action, it is much, much more than that. The Follicle has to grow correctly, then it has to release a healthy egg, the Sperm has to swim through the correct tube, then it has to actually fertilise the egg, the implantation needs to happen...whew!

Only in IVF, all the above can actually be monitored and even IVF is not always successful.

So, without any doubt, pregnancy is actually rare. Yes, it is! If you have been successful in getting pregnant, without even understanding the variables involved in it, you are one of those lucky ones: I am envious of you, and I wish you the best with your children. Since I know the pain, I also know the value. Have a safe delivery and a wonderful, healthy baby!

I would really love to hear from women who have had successful TI/IUI. It is always wonderful to hear success stories...it gives me immense hope and pleasure. And to all women out there who are still TTC like me, please share your stories too, we all know how much we need to share and talk to relieve our stress and keep us hopeful.

Waiting to hear from you all!

P.S: This doesn't mean I wouldn't love to hear from others as well... :-)

Are you trying to get pregnant with PCOS?

Are you feeling resentful about yourself? Are you feeling extremely irritated and annoyed with the fact that you have PCOS? Are you feeling so sad and angry that your journey towards motherhood is NOT going to be an easy one?

Then, oh yes, you definitely suffer from PCOS and are trying to conceive...

Somehow, I haven't seen many Indian women write about this online. When you search for information online, you get so many blogs - personal and medical in nature which talk about individual suffering, success, what-to-expect kind of information. But all of them seem to come from outside India.

My intentions in starting this blogs are two: One, I really want to talk and share about my journey and hear success stories that will boost my morale, and the other is to tell all those women out there like me to not to feel lonely. We are not in this alone! Look at the number of women who come to your hospital to get treated: the first sign that there are others, lots of other people like us.

The last time I went to my Gyn to get my IUI done, there was a woman who came running out of the consulting Doctor's room and hugged her husband with absolute joy. There really was no need for her to tell all of us around her that she was pregnant. It was written right there, in those happy and relieved tears of her eyes. Of course, all of us bombarded her with questions: IUI or IVF? How many times did you try? Did you confirm that it is not a chemical pregnancy? Did you feel any specific signs? How many follicles did you have? And many, many more...Only a woman who has suffered through infertility will understand that moment of joy and relief that motherhood can give. And only she will understand the anxiety behind these questions and come forward to assure you and not get offended with such personal questions.

I have always thought that creating a new life is a wonderful act of love and that it was most sacred of all things that you can do. But when you have been slapped on your face with infertility and gone through the sheer science of it, it actually aches you. There have been innumerable number of days in my life in the past year that I have cried myself to sleep because of the fact that I cannot conceive naturally.

But when I see such women, who have gone through this and succeeded at one point of time, it gives me so much hope. And what a wonderful thing hope is!


Let there be more hope in this world for all us...